17,462.7 hours

...or roughly a bit over 727 days.  That, my friends, was how much time I had spent on www.planetromeo.com since joining.  By accident, I discovered an "accumulated time online log" and discovered to my horror that I was online for this many hours.  Is that even freaking possible?  The time could have been sooo much better spent....like writing this blog for example, which I have just noticed as not had an entry since December 13 (2011 for any smart asses out there).

 In my short tender years on this planet, I've spent upwards of 2 years of my life logged into a "dating" site?  Fair enough, probably a good proportion of those two years have been spent since October when yours truly had a nasty incident with his knee....(an update will be coming shortly, entitled "They said I DON"T have to go to Rehab...) but,...

But even so, it was a sobering discovery - on a whole bunch of different levels.  First of all, it's just a shitload of a lot of time down the toilet.  Now those of you who know me, know that I'm not by nature THAT ambitious, I don't have to fill every waking minute of my day doing something useful (unless you count having cocktails aroud the fireplace worthwhile activity), but still.

Secondly and this may be a bit discouraging to those of you who are seeking their life long partner on the internet...the time, in retrospect wasn't well spent.  I'll be honest and tell you that in all that time, I can say that I really only met one decent guy.  That's it:  O N E.  By anyone's financial calculation that's a pretty shitty cost/benefit ratio.

Always, as I am, attempting to look on the bright side of things, I can say that the time spent hasn't been a complete waste. I'm pretty sure that with all the characters I've interacted with over those two solid years online, I can now easily qualify for an MBA in psychology/sociology at best or work as an attendant in an insane asylum at worst.

So here in convenient list order, I present to you my nominees for the first annual least favorite human beings online award.  If you decide to continue your quest online, then I can suggest a fun filled game for the whole family, where you print out the list below and cross off the type when you run into them.  And trust me, you will:

1. Fakers: these are people who, after hours (or minutes) of chatting with, finally spring the: "oh, btw, these aren't my real pictures" line.  Well, what the fuck is that all about then??  Either they suffer from enormous self confidence issues (and this would be my bet) or they are as ugly as quasimodo and couldn't find a wide angle lens large enough to get the whole hump in view.  Either way, it's not pretty.

2.  People with over 1 million view of their profile who have a grand total of 1 "known personally" footprint.  Depending on the picture these people have posted (and keep in mind it may well be a faker) these guys need to power down the laptop for a bit, take breath of fresh air and actually meet some people.

3. Guys whose second or third question is:  how big is your dick?  Man I hated that.  Not because I have undersized "equipment" or anything (God forbid in the world of online dating, it's almost as bad as being a hunchback), but because it seemed so...well, shallow.  Maybe that's just the state of the modern world, but I ain't buying.

4. People with whom you've had a pretty decent chat with over the past hours, days or weeks and with whom you decide it's time to meet.  A time and date is duly selected and when the hour approaches you get an sms with something roughly equivalent to: "sorry, but I have to cancel our date as" (and here is where it gets creative) "I spilled mayonaise on my laptop and have to get it repaired".  Or:  I overslept.  Or: My boss called me to an unexpected meeting or...you get the idea.  

5. The guy who thinks he is God's gift to homosexuality.  Typically, these profile names will be something like: tight_hottie, gorgeous-stud or HotStuff.  Yeah your ass may be pretty, but your oversized ego isn't.

I guess I could go on, but I suppose I'll leave you all to find out some of this for yourselves.  In case you haven't yet figured it out, smithster11 is closing his gayromeo.com shop down (perhaps only till I get horny again, stay tuned).  I'm going to put more energy into doing real life things (does that include writing here?) and get a breath of fresh air.  I hope that we can still stay in touch here.  Later.

Whatever works

Relationships.  The one thing that eludes so many people, who want literally nothing else in life.  They live, breathe and strive to find that one person who will be their everything.  Their knight in shining armour, caregiver, protector, provider, companion and slutty sex bitch.  The purpose of this post is not to burst anyone's balloon (well not completely anyway), but to provide a little focus to them with a little practical advice from someone who's been there and done that.

As in the pretty damn good Woody Allen movie "Whatever Works", the concept of "relationships" is far from being a straightforward, sweep me off my feet and get them in the air kind of thing.  Although your feet may well soon be pointing up at the ceiling after a chance encounter at a seedy nightclub, it's difficult to call this a "relationship" rather more just a good (if you've been lucky) screw.  And lord knows, there ain't nothing wrong with that once in awhile.

We all start out in this gay world of having this dewy eyed expectation of settling down with one guy for the rest of our lives.  And while, prima facie, there is nothing inherently wrong in this - in the end it's pretty fucking elusive.  Why?  Because although we may find someone who is perfect for a certain phase of our lives (and this may well be the majority of our life on this planet) we all ultimately change as we gain experience.  And even finding that guy is damn difficult.  So perhaps a little expectations management is in order here.

First off, if you're looking for love on an internet dating site, I recommend that you go there right this instant and change your status which reads "Relationship" to "Friends".  Go ahead, go do it now because you know that's what you've got it set to.

Back?  Good.  Why did I ask you to do this?  Really for two reasons, one because it moderately reeks of desperation and secondly because it's putting the cart before the horse.  Far be it from me to disagree with Websters Dictionary, but "relationship" isn't a noun, it's a process.  You don't get there by clicking "Relationship" just as you don't climb Mt. Everest by "beaming up" there, you have to work at it.  The good news is that the work can be pretty damn fun.

Don't be one of those people at the bar who you just know are aching for a "relationship"  They haughtily dismiss the idea of having sex with anyone because they're looking for a "relationship".  Sex is something they've decided they'll have with Mr. Right.  Well, the problem here may be that your balls will dry up from disuse before you actually find him.  Don't misunderstand, I'm not advocating sleeping around with every guy you meet at the bar in hopes of having a "relationship" (warning: this statement may set off alarms on a lie detector, should I ever be connected to one), but I am saying be a little more open to new experiences.

Relax.  Meet people, have a few cocktails and a nice dinner and you'll find the guy that's right for you for right now.  And with your best interests at heart, I hope that "for right now" is forever.  And if it's not, well then read the post entitled Acceptance Ch. 1 - an introduction for further guidance.

And to close off I leave you with one more hint.  If you are using an internet dating site to find a "relationship" don't pick a user name which contains the words "cock", "piss", "fuck" or "fist" - because the chances of finding that right guy forever may be seriously reduced.  I'm just saying.

Getting cranky

So I am now in my 4th day of leg immobilization.  And although I am grateful to have found an illness which matches my lifestyle (sitting in bed all day, reading the internet and smoking) I find that it is beginning to get on my nerves.  Simple things like sitting on a toilet become awkward at best and downright painful at worst.  It doesn't help either that I had a "doctor" who wouldn't give me "proper" pain pills, instead relying on some high class aspirin crap that has a serious risk of stomach ulcers attached to it.  Who needs it, if you can't even get a little buzz on.

Anyway, do you remember that TV show where they show these two older guys from the back sitting in a theater criticizing movies that were being shown on the screen?  Well, this post is going to be like that.  But instead of movies and two old men in a theater, it's smithster11 typing from bed.

Let's start from what is the root of the problem here.  I'm horny.  Truth be told (and I don't know if I'm alone in this) horniness has several ugly outcomes.  It's hard to fall asleep and that in itself is enough to make anyone cranky.  For God's sakes, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. this morning for no apparent reason and as much as I'd like to take a nap, it elludes me.

As a result of all this, my fantasies are taking a darker turn.  I'm thinking of doing certain things to certain people that really never occurred to me before.  Oddly enough, no one seems to be interested when I tell them I have a broken leg and a cast - whatever happened to hiring the handicapped?

But I always seek to look at the bright side and so far I think there are two things.  I ordered this pretty cool rubber thing (no, not THAT rubber thing) that you slide over your cast so that you can take a shower and it arrived yesterday.  You have no idea of how something so simple can cause you so much joy - particularly as it effectively ends my battle with the bidet, of which I'll tell you there were several comic episodes (see recent update to Vice - there is a downside).

Oh wait, I said there were two bright sides...  It is...ummm, hmmm let's see.  Oh yeah, I found an app for playing Scrabble on-line with faceless players.  It has a chat feature.  I just hope I don't forget which chat room I'm in and try to hit up some poor Scrabble playing granda for a blowjob.

Aging....not so bad

At what point in life, do you suppose, is it that it begins to dawn on you that you're going to get old?  At 18, you pretty much believe that you're going to be that way forever. This is something you can be forgiven for, because let's face it, it's all you know.  Old people are "those" people -  fat, hairy and sooo not cool.  Of course, there were exceptions like your Uncle.  He never married (hmm..), traveled the world extensively and was probably taking LSD.

Then at some point - and I'm guessing it's around 30 or so - you start to realize that "hey, wait a minute here - I'm not getting any younger!".  And what was once a funny phrase you heard your parents say all of a sudden became a new fact of life.  Fuck.  Do you realize what this means, you ask yourself in front of a mirror, literally watching your body start to sag in front of your eyes?  It means:

• Hair receding from your head and then magically reappearing on your back and inside your nose and ears,
• Wrinkles developing around your eyes and forehead,
• Having overall less energy,
• Acquiring a home mortgage that will probably last longer than you will,
• Being required to endure seemingly endless dead boring dinner parties,
• Loss of sexual appeal to others,
• Increasing.......Wait!  WTF was that last one again??
• Loss of sexual appeal to others!?!?    NO F. U. C. K. I. N. G. WAY. 
• Way.

So now this growing up business has taken a nasty viscious turn.  Something you've spent the majority of your life wanting to do - grow up and be legally able to have a cocktail - is something you want to slam the brakes on!  This isn't the deal I signed up for, I'm supposed to be young, carefree and laughing forever!  Well, ummm no.  

Does this mean that I'll no longer be able to meet - without money changing hands - these cute, young 20-something boys anymore - a pursuit I have bravely dedicated the majority of my adult life to?  Thankfully, the answer to this question is a resounding "no".  Why?

Because I have found, dear readers, that in the vast world of internet dating there in fact exists a group of young men who - get ready for this revelation - like older men.  Seriously??  Seriously.  In some philosophical circles this can be interpreted as incontrovertible evidence of the existence of God.  I never knew such a group existed because I can say with 95% certainty that I have never had sex with someone who was older than me.  (Better make that 75% certainty, because in some cases the lighting was pretty bad).

It's somehow a comfort to know that the cheesy song Everybody Loves Somebody is actually true.  Ain't life grand?

Reality check

There is something that just doesn't add up for me in the world of internet dating.  Now I'm your average guy, living an average life in a pretty average place.  And pretty much everything I see around me is....you get the idea.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a mega-hot guy, with a smoking body just browsing through the various selection of cold cuts at the supermarket.  And I can't count at all the number of times I've seen such a guy who also happened to be gay and was looking for sex.  Well, ok that's not totally true - but it was a long time ago!

So then, can someone explain to me why it seems that 75% of the guys on the internet have the slimmest waists, biggest muscled chests and arms?  What do these people do during a normal day, because they most certainly are not at my supermarket.  Do they hide somewhere in real life and then only reveal themselves on the internet.  Sounds rather unlikely to me.  Then maybe there is a hidden colony somewhere, populated only by gorgeous men - a place that obviously has its own supermarket.

Or.....is it possible that there are hundreds of guys out there all of whom are sharing - oh I don't know - the same 15 pictures??  I confirm that I have yet to physically see in person any of these stunning guys, so perhaps I'll never know.  But in the interests of scientific reasearch - in case any of the hidden colony members are by chance are reading this - I'll be more than happy to meet you to find out for myself.