17,462.7 hours

...or roughly a bit over 727 days.  That, my friends, was how much time I had spent on www.planetromeo.com since joining.  By accident, I discovered an "accumulated time online log" and discovered to my horror that I was online for this many hours.  Is that even freaking possible?  The time could have been sooo much better spent....like writing this blog for example, which I have just noticed as not had an entry since December 13 (2011 for any smart asses out there).

 In my short tender years on this planet, I've spent upwards of 2 years of my life logged into a "dating" site?  Fair enough, probably a good proportion of those two years have been spent since October when yours truly had a nasty incident with his knee....(an update will be coming shortly, entitled "They said I DON"T have to go to Rehab...) but,...

But even so, it was a sobering discovery - on a whole bunch of different levels.  First of all, it's just a shitload of a lot of time down the toilet.  Now those of you who know me, know that I'm not by nature THAT ambitious, I don't have to fill every waking minute of my day doing something useful (unless you count having cocktails aroud the fireplace worthwhile activity), but still.

Secondly and this may be a bit discouraging to those of you who are seeking their life long partner on the internet...the time, in retrospect wasn't well spent.  I'll be honest and tell you that in all that time, I can say that I really only met one decent guy.  That's it:  O N E.  By anyone's financial calculation that's a pretty shitty cost/benefit ratio.

Always, as I am, attempting to look on the bright side of things, I can say that the time spent hasn't been a complete waste. I'm pretty sure that with all the characters I've interacted with over those two solid years online, I can now easily qualify for an MBA in psychology/sociology at best or work as an attendant in an insane asylum at worst.

So here in convenient list order, I present to you my nominees for the first annual least favorite human beings online award.  If you decide to continue your quest online, then I can suggest a fun filled game for the whole family, where you print out the list below and cross off the type when you run into them.  And trust me, you will:

1. Fakers: these are people who, after hours (or minutes) of chatting with, finally spring the: "oh, btw, these aren't my real pictures" line.  Well, what the fuck is that all about then??  Either they suffer from enormous self confidence issues (and this would be my bet) or they are as ugly as quasimodo and couldn't find a wide angle lens large enough to get the whole hump in view.  Either way, it's not pretty.

2.  People with over 1 million view of their profile who have a grand total of 1 "known personally" footprint.  Depending on the picture these people have posted (and keep in mind it may well be a faker) these guys need to power down the laptop for a bit, take breath of fresh air and actually meet some people.

3. Guys whose second or third question is:  how big is your dick?  Man I hated that.  Not because I have undersized "equipment" or anything (God forbid in the world of online dating, it's almost as bad as being a hunchback), but because it seemed so...well, shallow.  Maybe that's just the state of the modern world, but I ain't buying.

4. People with whom you've had a pretty decent chat with over the past hours, days or weeks and with whom you decide it's time to meet.  A time and date is duly selected and when the hour approaches you get an sms with something roughly equivalent to: "sorry, but I have to cancel our date as" (and here is where it gets creative) "I spilled mayonaise on my laptop and have to get it repaired".  Or:  I overslept.  Or: My boss called me to an unexpected meeting or...you get the idea.  

5. The guy who thinks he is God's gift to homosexuality.  Typically, these profile names will be something like: tight_hottie, gorgeous-stud or HotStuff.  Yeah your ass may be pretty, but your oversized ego isn't.

I guess I could go on, but I suppose I'll leave you all to find out some of this for yourselves.  In case you haven't yet figured it out, smithster11 is closing his gayromeo.com shop down (perhaps only till I get horny again, stay tuned).  I'm going to put more energy into doing real life things (does that include writing here?) and get a breath of fresh air.  I hope that we can still stay in touch here.  Later.

It's hard

A survey carried out in 1974 by Webster Dictionary, Inc found that 97.4 % of gay men immediately thought of the word "erection" when the word "hard" was shown to them. (1)  No, they didn't think of "difficult" or as in the density of matter, but they thought of erections.  Interestingly a further study of the  remaining 2.6% found that they didn't get laid until the age of 37 and even then it was for money. (1)  The result of the survey is solid evidence of the fact that mens minds are hard-wired (did I just use that word?) for sex.

Keeping that interesting factoid in mind, you know what's hard growing up gay?  Well, other than getting laid (please see the post regarding Cruising in the Modern World) it's actually not being able to talk about sexy guys when you're young and not out.  There's a certain release from talking about cute members of the human race with others, as in "oh my God, he's so hot, I wouldn't mind him camping on MY face" sort of thing.  But no, as members of the gay minority we can't do that because....well, we're not out yet.

I remember the first time that this was almost painful for me.  My Mother and I were spending a very  nice evening together and decided to go rent a movie.  We had heard good things about "Thelma & Louise" and brought it home.  We planted our butts on the sofa, popcorn in hand and started watching.

Although the exact plot sort of escapes me, at some point Thelma and Louise go to a motel.  And in that motel is the most incredibly good looking Brad Pitt.

"smithster11 - let me camp on your face this very instant or I'll shoot!"

Frankly, I don't ever recall ever experiencing taking such a sharp intake of breath as I did at the moment.  My mother looked over at me concerned perhaps that I was having a stroke or grand mal seizure.  And it certainly felt as though I were.

"Are you ok", she asked me in that motherly way.  Here's how I wanted to answer:

"Fuck me, look at how beautiful and sexy he is waving his "gun" around like that! He can camp on my face as long as he wants to!"

But here is what in fact I did say:

"Yeah sure, I think I just got the hiccups, please pass the popcorn"

I'm pretty certain it was at precisely this moment that my Mom knew that I was gay.  Stupidly enough, I didn't manage to tell her for quite a few years later, but oh well.

To the best of my knowledge it was pretty decent movie, but the rest of it was sort of just a blur.  I remember them driving off some cliff together (fortunately without Brad) and thought to myself "yeah whatever".  

If I could have told Mom my true feelings - then at least I could have enjoyed not only the rest of the movie, but also umpteen years of real conversation with her.   But ya know - it's hard.

Notes:

(1) in the interests of journalistic integrity, please be aware that this statement is not true, but I love proving things with statistics.

A Connection

At this point, it’s become quite evident that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.  I’m neither a writer nor an IT geek/graphics designer.  Mind you, I’ve always loved to write, but I always thought it seemed so…. well - pointless. 

But now that I’ve actually started this blog, I can see more clearly than ever that I was right.  Although  I guess I’m constantly thinking throughout the day about things to write about, I still wonder where I’m going with this.   The general reaction I get when I tell people I’ve started a gay blog can be summed by this pie chart:

Based upon this I haven't explained at all what I'm doing here.  So....here is a list of the things that I am NOT seeking through writing smithster11:

• Money
• Fame – the paparazzi are just too annoying
• Adoration 
• Sales of Amway products  

Here is a list of the things that I AM seeking through writing smithster11:

• A connection

A weird thing happens as you get older.  (Well, lots of weird things happen – trust me).  You begin to care about things other than yourself.  You find that it becomes more important to be responsible for someone else’s well-being.

For most hetero couples, that urge is satisfied through the arrival of a screaming and very demanding infant into the household.  Even for some of us homos the adoption of children is the answer.  But most of us happily settle for having a dog, where the screaming phase is calculated by dividing by 7 and demands are generally limited to supper time.  Wait, where was I going with this??

Oh yeah, that connection business. 

I want to create a light hearted atmosphere where we can all have a laugh and see ourselves in each other.  But this requires comments from you.  They can range from the banal:  “that’s interesting” to the audacious: “you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about”.  But it’s all good.  It’s connecting.

/preach mode on/

“Blog comments are the lifeblood of a blog. Comments are what separates a blog from a static website.

/preach mode off/

So if you like something, please comment.  If you hate something, please comment.  Why, you ask should I?  Because if you find yourself needing to be responsible for another living being, then you can be responsible for me – and at least I’m already house-broken.

Sentimental

smithster11 is feeling a little sentimental today.  The video below sums up very nicely a boy that I remember falling madly in love with a long time ago.  He was in my city for summer vacation, but went to university in California.  The song seems almost custom written for the day that I knew I was going to see him for the last time before he went back to school.  The younger guy in the video even looks like him.

It was a beautiful autumn afternoon, sun shining and blue sky.  Funny, I even remember that it was a Sunday.  We had great sex and then walked along the lake.  But it was the end and my heart was broken.

"One more bad excuse
Before you turn me loose
Give me something to remember you by
Couldn't you offer me
A little dishonesty
Promise me you'll try
You'll lie to me

Go, your plane is not gonna stay
Slow, so I can take it in
And so you say you'll see me later
When you know you won't see me again"

I don't want anyone reading this to get all sad and mopey on me, so I will tell you that thanks to the internet and Facebook we still remain friends today.  There - at least a pseudo Happy Ending.

NOTE) -  if you like the video then I strongly recommend getting the movie it comes from.  It's called "Shelter".

Whatever works

Relationships.  The one thing that eludes so many people, who want literally nothing else in life.  They live, breathe and strive to find that one person who will be their everything.  Their knight in shining armour, caregiver, protector, provider, companion and slutty sex bitch.  The purpose of this post is not to burst anyone's balloon (well not completely anyway), but to provide a little focus to them with a little practical advice from someone who's been there and done that.

As in the pretty damn good Woody Allen movie "Whatever Works", the concept of "relationships" is far from being a straightforward, sweep me off my feet and get them in the air kind of thing.  Although your feet may well soon be pointing up at the ceiling after a chance encounter at a seedy nightclub, it's difficult to call this a "relationship" rather more just a good (if you've been lucky) screw.  And lord knows, there ain't nothing wrong with that once in awhile.

We all start out in this gay world of having this dewy eyed expectation of settling down with one guy for the rest of our lives.  And while, prima facie, there is nothing inherently wrong in this - in the end it's pretty fucking elusive.  Why?  Because although we may find someone who is perfect for a certain phase of our lives (and this may well be the majority of our life on this planet) we all ultimately change as we gain experience.  And even finding that guy is damn difficult.  So perhaps a little expectations management is in order here.

First off, if you're looking for love on an internet dating site, I recommend that you go there right this instant and change your status which reads "Relationship" to "Friends".  Go ahead, go do it now because you know that's what you've got it set to.

Back?  Good.  Why did I ask you to do this?  Really for two reasons, one because it moderately reeks of desperation and secondly because it's putting the cart before the horse.  Far be it from me to disagree with Websters Dictionary, but "relationship" isn't a noun, it's a process.  You don't get there by clicking "Relationship" just as you don't climb Mt. Everest by "beaming up" there, you have to work at it.  The good news is that the work can be pretty damn fun.

Don't be one of those people at the bar who you just know are aching for a "relationship"  They haughtily dismiss the idea of having sex with anyone because they're looking for a "relationship".  Sex is something they've decided they'll have with Mr. Right.  Well, the problem here may be that your balls will dry up from disuse before you actually find him.  Don't misunderstand, I'm not advocating sleeping around with every guy you meet at the bar in hopes of having a "relationship" (warning: this statement may set off alarms on a lie detector, should I ever be connected to one), but I am saying be a little more open to new experiences.

Relax.  Meet people, have a few cocktails and a nice dinner and you'll find the guy that's right for you for right now.  And with your best interests at heart, I hope that "for right now" is forever.  And if it's not, well then read the post entitled Acceptance Ch. 1 - an introduction for further guidance.

And to close off I leave you with one more hint.  If you are using an internet dating site to find a "relationship" don't pick a user name which contains the words "cock", "piss", "fuck" or "fist" - because the chances of finding that right guy forever may be seriously reduced.  I'm just saying.